kosmicnic's Journal

8:12AM - very disappointed and mad

ok...so why are the people of detroit so dumb...well many reasons but number one being they voted kwame in for another term. look, all i have to say is this city is only going to get worse with him re-elected. and i don't want to hear anything more about, "oh, poor detroit" "let's help detroit" blah, blah blah...you people just did it to yourself. fool you once shame on kwame, fool you twice shame on detroit. i have absolutely no sympathy or interest in this city anymore. it's as if they want to drill themselves into the ground. i'm just hoping that those who voted for hendrix are able to move out of the city and not have to deal with that crap anymore, b/c they don't deserve it.

Current mood: angry

8:02AM - depressed

i've been really upset lately. i don't know what to do with my life. i still haven't been accepted into medical school, and i'm worried that i'll never be accepted. as a second option i've thought about becoming a CRNA, nurse anesthetist. however, even with nursing i'd have a lot of work to do and i might not be able to start that career path for a little while with all the pre-reqs. i want my life to continue, i don't want to keep working year after year as a temporary employee doing research. i feel like everyone else is able to at least move forward with their lives and do what they want to do. now, i don't even know what i want. i know i don't want to just be stuck, but i don't know what i want to do beyond that. i'm exhausted, i'm starting to get sick of school and i feel that everyone is pushing or advising me in a different direction. i can't work as a temporary employee for $10/hour for the rest of my life, i dont' even have life insurance. i wish i at least knew what i wanted to do, that way i could just start moving towards something. but i can't even do that. i can barely stand walking around this place without crying, and my eyes are all puffy b/c i was up late last night crying. and it's so embarrassing. i'm starting to feel more and more like i'm useless and that my life has been meaningless up until this point. i want to have a somewhat successful career and have a family and i don't know how to juggle that. i feel like theres so much i have to do for every path i could take and to try and do everything would be too much, and i don't know if i could do it. i'm at a point where i can't really better myself for another application to med school b/c i've done practically nothing to better my application. i'm scared about being able to pay for things. i don't know what to do about living arrangements for this summer. i feel like i'm going to disappoint people no matter what i do. and i just wish i could figure out what i want to do. that's where all the stress is coming from, i don't know what to do, so i'm trying to open as many avenues as possible and it's too much work to do that, but if i don't do something, i'll just repeat this same process year after year of accomplishing nothing. i need to have something that is consistent in my life. the only thing that is is matt. and considering how life's been going i'm not confident in that. i'm worried that i'll push him away b/c i get so upset. and that makes me upset and it just keeps continuing. i need god to show me what i want to do with my life. if i can't decide this, i'm going to go nuts.

4:26PM - ho hum

so things are going pretty well. i had lunch with sharon last friday and that was really awesome. b/c sharon is awesome and what we talked about is going awesomely. freakin awesome......lol, ok, i think i'm a bit slap-happy.

so yeah, i discussed with her the fact that with "certain things" i need to just STOP IT. and i've told other people, whom are in the same situation as me, that they need to STOP IT too. and as suprising as it is, "STOP IT" is working. i'm feeling better, more positive, happier and much more extraverted than i have in a while. which is good, b/c you all know how extraverted i can be. i guess before i felt more like a sheltered version of myself, and b/c i wasn't completely acting like myself, that kinda bothered me and i'm sure somewhat, added to my unpleasant feelings. however, i believe that that is going away so...awesome.

besides that i've been working quite a bit, however, not as much as in the past. i've been putting less of an emphasis on my lab job. with the slight decrease in work i've been able to get a bit more sleep and do things that are either necessary and sometimes fun. which is great b/c work isn't killing me as much as it use to. also, i've been starting to read/study for the mcats again. this is JUST IN CASE, i don't get accepted this application year. yes, i know, i probably have nothing to worry about, but i figure, just in case, i have all the bases covered. but it's nice to have a review of this info anyways b/c when i do get in, i'll be more refreshed on the topics than most of classmates.

this past weekend i spent sometime with matt and with my family. friday his boss took us, his wife and another couple out to dinner. a very nice/expensive/free dinner (for us). after that we went to this hole-in-the-wall roadhouse, which was awesome. they had a cover band and we all drank a lot. the next day i went home to see my parents, we saw "Ray". it was excellent. b/c of the previous night's drinking i didn't want to go out with my friends from home, whom i originally told i would go out. so i had to get yelled at for that, but hey, if i'm not into something, i'm not gonna do it. that's just how i am. then i came back to a2 sunday and hung out with matt and had dinner at his mom and dad's. it was very good. and i saw his sis and 2 nieces, they're so cute.

so i use to do some band stuff and even wrote some (ok) songs. and lately (literally within the past few hours) have felt like maybe i should pursue that avenue just a bit. however, every time i try to find bands, there are NEVER any in a2. which sucks, b/c i don't want to drive an hour to go to band practice a few times a week. but at the same time, i LOVE it. singing and writing songs is SO much fun. and i think i'd be a really good creative outlet for me to have during this stressful time in my life. and i am kind of concerned with how i would be able to juggle everything else in my life, especially with this new hobby, but i'll see how it goes and if it doesn't work out, i can always bow out gracefully.

all right, i think i've totally typed quite enough. ciao bella!

Current mood: cheerful

12:26PM - really upset

so i decided to call up wayne state today just to see how things were going with my application. and to see if i could get any info on whether or not i'd be getting an interview soon.

the secretary i spoke with was very mean. she told me that IF i got an interview it wouldn't be until january or later on. this of course made me very upset and my voice started to shake and i obviously sounded like i was kind of crying on the phone. when hearing this the secretary interupted, quickly asked if i had anymore questions and the second i started to say no, hung up.

this woman is just one secretary in the admissions office, she is not the dean's secretary. and the dean i met with over the summer said that he was pretty sure i'd get in. and that if my verbal score was just 1 point higher i would get early decision and would have been excepted hands down.

therefore, the information i heard this morning came as quite of a shock to me. i knew that i wouldn't hear until a little later in the year, but i didn't expect to be told "if i get an interview" like it wasn't likely, not to mention how mean she was on the phone. i mean, people spend their lives working towards being doctors, don't you think she could have been a little more sympathetic or at least have manors and be polite. but i guess not.

so i decided to make an appointment with the dean and emailed him today. hopefully i'll get to see him before christmas and hopefully he'll have some good news/advice.

basically the only thing i'm "lacking" in, to get into wayne's medical school is that my MCAT scores could be a couple of points higher, although i have the average score of this year's entering class. considering i'm completely above average in every other area of the application, i don't see why i wouldn't get an interview and then get in.

i'm incredibly upset/depressed about this. i don't know what to do. i don't know if i should start studying to take the next MCAT or wait and see or what. not to mention i work at least 60 hours a week. somehow i have to fit in studying for the MCAT. plus i'm very emotional. not to mention this test takes 9-10 hours to complete. it's a freaking indurance test. i think anyone that just plain finishes the whole thing should get some kind of award or something.

but anyways...yeah, hysterically freaking out about that.

on a lighter note i spent my weekend with matt, which was VERY nice. he's so great, i love him so much. friday we stayed in and ordered pizza, saturday he had to go into work :-( and i cleaned up his condo a bit and then we wented grocery shopping and cooked dinner together, very fun. he also brought up the idea that he might be going to chicago for new years and would like me to go. so maybe we'll be doing that. the weird thing is, my horiscope said that my romantic partner and i would be on a physic connection and discuss taking a trip....WOAH! sunday matt had to work again (super not cool) and i just hung out, worked out and watched tv. then we went on a search of printer ink cartridges. after that we went to Meitzger's (spelling?) for german food, which was so good. and the left overs are my lunch for today.

so that was my weekend. i work evenings this week at the hospital (whoo) and have RCIA tonight. oh yeah, for all who don't know and care, i'm officially becoming a catholic. and i really like the class, but a really big perk is that every monday i have to leave work early to go to the meetings. so that's a nice way to ease into the work week.

all right, i think that's it for now....

Current mood: morose

3:35PM

last night was not so good. which made this morning and so far today not good either. i've always had issues with self confidence, for those of you who don't know that, then i guess i'm a good actor.

ever since matt and i have been in a relationship, i've been very self conscious about everything. but specifically with my looks...i'm not tan enough, i'm not pretty enough, i'm not thin enough, my boobs are too small. and for some reason i'll get into this groove where i feel like i'm not good enough. and everyone tells me i am. and that's great and all guys, but OBVIOUSLY i don't think that, otherwise i wouldn't get this way. and i hate it. i hate it so much. i love him so much and i just don't know why i get this way. and i feel bad b/c i know it hurts him when i feel this way, and i don't want him to feel bad. i just wish that i could feel good enough. one other thing that might make me feel the way i do, is that i told him a while back that i loved him, not that i was in love with him, just that i loved him. at the time he said that he liked me a whole lot but wasn't ready to open up that much to feel that way, and that's fine. but the fact that i continue to feel this way and keep thinking that in the back of my mind makes me feel that he's never going to love me and that's because i'm not good enough and that just makes me feel even more worthless.

why can't i just stop myself from feeling this way? maybe then he'd love me. it hurts so much to just be in complete amazement with someone and love them so much and think they are the greatest thing and that they don't feel the same way. but you have to keep in how you feel b/c you don't want things to get akward and it just hurts you more and more b/c you want to tell that person how you feel and you want so badly to hear that person say the same thing back.

and on top of it all i still haven't heard back from wayne state about an interview. and jj continues to push the fact that he got in already in my face. and i realize i probably won't hear from them for a little while, but that i will get in. but still, there is so much pressure on me and i am so stressed out. i just want the two things i care about most in life to work out...

12:25PM - ain't no thang but a chicken wang....

stuck at work, as usual. bored with nothing to do but come up with not very interesting ways to entertain myself. and yes, i know that's better than having to go to close, well i guess. it depends on the class and what they're discussing. really i just hate being in the same little room with no windows all day. it puts me in a dazed mood and makes me sleepy. but i also didn't get a good night's sleep last night, so i can attribute my sleepiness to that as well.

so i'm trying to drink close to a gallon of water a day for this new diet i'm on: lots of water, lower amount of carbs and most carbs should be whole grains. but only problem is i feel like i'm constantly peeing. which is understandable considering all the water i'm drinking.

today is belke's 21st birthday...HAPPY BIRTHDAY BELKE!!!!! ah, they grow up so quickly, aww...

so i'm gonna try to meet up with her and her friends tonight at the bar after work today. but we'll see how that goes. i've been up working since 8am and won't get to the bar till about 11pm. if i'm still awake i'll go. if not, i'll have to do something with her another time. besides, i'm sure she'll be too drunk to realize i'm not there anyways :-P

so yeah, tonight if any of you get bored, remember that i'm at work all alone and bored and im me or something, because if you don't then you're all weiners!!!!

Current mood: mellow

1:05PM

1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that are true about you.
3. Add something that is true about you.

01. I miss somebody right now!!
02. I don't watch much TV these days
03. I love olives (the green ones)
04. I own lots of books
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses (for reading)
07. I love to play video games
08. I've tried marijuana
09. I've watched porn movies
10. I have been in a threesome
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13. I love ice cream
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton
15. I curse sometimes
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have a hobby
18. I've been told I have pretty eyes
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
20. I'm partially smart
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
23. I hate the rain
24. I'm paranoid at times
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free
26. I need money right now
27. I love sushi
28. I talk really, really fast
29. i have freckles on my face
30. I have semi-long hair
31. I have been to Las Vegas
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis
35. I have a twin
36. I have worn fake eyelashes in the past
37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look sometimes
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
40. I know how to cornrow
41. I am usually pessimistic in the most optimistic way
42. I have had a lot of mood swings
43. I think prostitution should be legalized
44. I think Britney Spears is pretty
45. I have cheated on a significant other in the past
46. I have a hidden talent
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I have a lot of friends (sortof :))
49. I am currently single
50. I have pecked someone of the same sex
51. I enjoy talking on the phone
52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants
53. I love to shop
54. I would rather shop than eat
55. I would classify myself as ghetto
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
57. I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal
58. I don't hate anyone.
59. I'm a pretty good dancer
60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother
62. I have a cell phone
63. believe in God
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
66. I love drama
67. I have never been in a real relationship before
68. I've rejected someone before
69. I currently have a crush on someone sortof...
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have children in the future
72. I have changed a diaper before
73. I've called the cops on a friend before
74. I bite my nails
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club
76. I'm not allergic to anything
77. I have a lot to learn
78. I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube?s newest "Friday" movie
80. I am shy around the opposite sex
81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol before
84. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past
85. I own the "South Park" movie
86. I have avoided assignments at work to be on Xanga or Livejournal
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum
88. I enjoy some country music
89. I would die for my best friends dunno
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98. I have dated a close friend's ex
99. I like surveys
100. I am happy at this moment
101. I'm obsessed with guys
102. I am bi
103. democrat
104. Conservative Republican
105. I am punk rockish
106. I am preppy
107. I go for older guys/girls, not younger
108. I study for tests most of the time
109. I tie my shoelaces differently to anyone I've ever met
110. I can work on a car not well but I can
111. I love my job
112. I am comfortable with who I am right now.

113. I have more than just my ears pierced.
114. I walk barefoot wherever I can.
115. I have jumped off a bridge.
116. I love sea turtles.
117. I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.
118. I believe in prophetic dreams.
119. I plan on achieving a major goal/dream
120. I play a musical intrument.
121. I worked at McDonald's restaurant.
122. I hate office jobs
123. I love sci-fi movies
124. i've never been in love
125. I think water rules
126. I've lost count of the amount of people I've hooked up with
127. I wanna teach but i have very low tolerance
128. I'm in love
129. I have a hard time understanding what people really mean when they talk.
130. I love playing ultimate frisbee.
131. I am left handed
132. I like NASCAR
133. i'm wearing pants (shorts)
134. I am eating food right now.

135. I'm at a very good point in my life right now, to say everything is perfect would be a lie, but so would it be to say I was unhappy.

9:02AM - today SUCKS!!!!!!!!

wow, it's 9am and all ready i feel like shit. and no it's not one of those, oh i'm sick i feel like shit, even though i've had a cold for over a week now and it won't go away. no, it's more like one of those, people really suck and they treat me like absolute dog shit, kinda shit. one of the doctors today was very rude to me this morning and embarassed me infront of all the other doctors and residents. so, i was really mortified, but to make it even worse the bitch sat her chair in front of me so that i was stuck in the corner. this way i had to sit there while everyone talked about some medical topic and i couldn't even leave the room. i had to sit there for a half hour and just continue to feel more and more crappy. not to mention that no one acted suprised when she was rude to me. so this of course shows that absolutely none of them have any respect for me and they think i'm worthless, replaceable and a waste of their time. AND I'M SUPPOSED TO CONTINUE TO WORK WITH THESE PEOPLE FOR AT LEAST 8 MORE MONTHS!!!!!!!!! WTF!!!!!!!

it just really made me mad. b/c don't get me wrong, i know i'm not a doctor and b/c of that, i'm not super "intelligent" or "important", although i dont' think any of the residents are really all that intelligent. but still, i try all those people with a ton of respect and will continue to even though they treat me like i'm nothing. it just makes me mad b/c i'm not nothing and even if they don't think i'm important, they should at least treat me with respect b/c i'm person just like they are.

and if this wasn't enough i have to constantly deal with the fact that they think JJ is god's gift to everything. and that even though he continually shows up half an hour late every day, takes a week to complete tasks that i finish in a day and is obviously dumb as a box of rocks, he's still so great and wonderful. it makes me made that i have to deal with sexism on a dailiy basis in the workplace, and it comes mostly from the women who state that they had to overcome so much in a male dominated field and that women should be more respected, etc. well i have to say is practice what you fucking preach you self absorbed, egotistical, whore bitches. fuck you all. this is fucking ridiculous. i bust my ass every damn day to do a terrific job at work and i usually get no recognition or some how jj gets credit for it. this is fucking ridiculous and i'm fucking sick of it.

this morning i wanted to just quit so bad, but i can't b/c i need money, even though they pay me shit for all the work i do.

i figure what i'll do is not hide my poor deminor, except when i'm around patients. and if my boss askes me how i'm doing i'll be completely honest with her. i'm sure if i tell her in a completely respectful mannor what i've had to deal with since i started working here, i can't get in trouble. i'm not trying to start anything, i'm just truthfully answering a question, there's no harm in that....

Current mood: depressed

1:46PM - i should consider updating this thing...

so i haven't written in here in a while, so i figured it was time for another update. lately i've been working a ton. sunday i went to matt's sister's house to meet with his parents and nieces for dinner. we got take out and watched the kids for a while and hung out. they're pretty darn cute.

oh saturday (going back a day from above) matt and heathy and i went home to celebrate a joint birthday party for my mom and i with the family. it was pretty fun, i wonder a bit though if matt thought my family was a bit odd, just b/c we're very extraverted and say whatever, whenever. but it was fun and i got some great gifts.

yesterday (tuesday) i took matt to dinner to celebrate that he got his full liscense back, YAY!!! we went to mediterano. it was SO good. the menu selection is excellent and everything we had was great. not to mention it looks nice inside and is fairly well priced. after that we hung out and watched last comic standing. we have a few shows that we always watch together, that is one of them.

today i'm at work, at the hospital. then i have to go to the lab, crappy. but only for a couple of hours. then i'm gonna try and pick my sis up after class if i can get ahold of her. and i'm sure we'll probably have dinner and hang out. she just got a job working at potbelly's, i'm so proud.

we also have to go present shopping this friday b/c we're going home this weekend to celebrate my mom's birthday with the immediate family. her real b-day is on the 6th of October. so it's gonna be tough b/c heathy works friday so i have to rush back from work, go pick her up, get the presents, drive home. hopefully we don't have to do rush hour on 23. believe me, it is SO not cool. i'm excited to go home too, b/c i'm gonna try and get to see a lot of my friends from home and it'll be nice b/c i don't get to see those guys very often. yay! :-)

well, that is all for now

Current mood: calm

8:22AM - ooo, a questionaire, ooo...

so this is a questionaire from mary's journal. i thought it would be fun to post it and see if anyone answers the questions, and if so, what the answers are :) so yeah, if you have a dull moment and want to pass some time, then here you go....



01. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
02. Am I loveable?
03. How long have you known me?
04. When and how did we first meet?
05. What was your first impression?
06. Do you still think that way about me now?
07. What do you think my weakness is?
08. Do you think I'll get married?
09. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16. Do you think I could kill someone?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?

6:13PM - blah blah blah

i'm at the hospital and VERY bored. thank god i get to leave in a few minutes...i have a jesus meeting ;) yes, i've finally decided to *technically* become a catholic. so that's cool...

this weekend was my birthday, thanks to all who wished me a good one and stuff. matt and i kinda had a fight, so that made my birthday kinda suck. but it's ok, b/c we're working it out and hung out last night and things went really well. i just need to not be so emotional.

but anyhoo...i am so freakin bored, this sucks man. i hate work man. i hate THE MAN, man! lol...yeah, i'm getting a little weird over here, but who wouldn't?

lets see besides having my birthday, i've just been working a lot, trying to get my foot healed (for those of you who didn't know i broke my foot) seeing my sis and matt a lot. still waiting to hear back from wayne state for a med interview, but no worries, it'll happen, just not right away. b/c, come on, lets face it. i would be a super-duper med student and they know it :-P also i know i have to continue to make all my rounds of visiting people. only prob is that i'm kinda tired from working so much, not to mention i can't get around as easily b/c of the foot. also, i feel kinda weird going to a bar with this foot brace thing i have to wear and i can't go dancing at all. but i assure you all, once this foot is healed we will go out and there will be dancing and there will be drinking and my ever-extraverted self will be there, and it will be good...oh yes, damned good :)

anyhoo, that's all i think for now.

Current mood: drained

7:19PM - at my wits' end

ok, so i'm stuck here at work late on a friday night. SHITTY. this sucks. i want to go home. i've been pondering how i could lie my way out of staying. one way i did was when my "boss" came in she said i leave at 10 and i said, you bet. i really am supposed to stay till 11. now i'm thinking i'll claim i have a severe nausia and bolt at 8pm. that would be so wonderful if my plan worked. i think it might. i mean, she can't say, uh no, work even though you feel miserable, which i definetly do, but just not in an upset tummy way. i'm also in a very pissy mood and i don't know why. probably just because when i'm annoyed and at my wits' end, i revert to acting like a little kid. mostly b/c i think it's funny but also because that's how i feel when i'm tired and bored and don't like the situation i'm in anymore. all of which describe %100 of how i feel right now.

ok, this is even boring me now...

10:45AM - boring lab and boring hospital

well right now i'm at the lab. i brought pizza for lunch today, probably one of the first times i've ever brought lunch. yesterday i visited jeanette inbetween jobs and picked up a pizza and decided to save what i couldn't eat for lunch the next day. yesterday was crazy at work. really busy to start off and then nothing at 5pm. one of the residents asked why i was still there and i replied b/c we're supposed to stay till 11pm. he thought we finished at 7pm. but then i got to thinking, there was nothing to do, so i left a little early, which was nice b/c then i got to see matt for a longer time. only prob was i had been feeling kinda sad earlier during the day and was sad at home too. of course matt thought i was mad at him, i wasn't though, and he started to feel sad. but then he tried cheering me up and it worked. i feel like staying with him for these two weeks are going to spoil me. it's difficult not seeing him during the day (probably especially b/c work is so boring) but it'll be weird when i'm not permanently staying with him. he's just so sweet and such a great boyfriend, i love him so much.

anyways, don't want to bore everyone with my rambling. the comp i'm on in the lab has speakers but there doesn't appear to me any way of hooking them up to the computer in which to actually use them. it would be so nice if they worked b/c then i could listen to music and that would help the day go by faster.

i'm so excited that it's friday. that means two whole days without work, at least i think. as long as i don't go in this weekend, which i'm trying to not have to do. but i have a ton of hours to make up for my time i took off b/c of my broken foot, darned broken foot, boo!

but anywho, i think that is all for now...

6:29PM - blah...i hate working the evening shift

if you couldn't guess i'm at work on the evening shift. i've done a ton of work and almost gave myself a panic attack b/c i thought i had lost some study data. but no worries, i found it. the only thing is that i'm totally drained b/c i was gonna take a nap today before work, but of course i didn't and now i'm super tired and dazed and out of it. and i need to leave soon. and i hate to leave early, but i'm not feeling well at all. i also want to leave early so i can go home and spend more time with matt, i miss him even though i saw him this morning. it's been almost 6 months that we've been together and i still havent' gotten sick of seeing him practically every day. i assume that means something, besides the obvious that i like him. lol. but anyways, i saw mary and jeanette today and saw jeanette and dana's new apartment. i think i get to see mary and sharon and liz's apartment friday. anyhoo, i guess i have some work to do. so i'll say adieu.

11:40AM

i had a bad childhood. i know every thinks and possibly even says the same thing...well, i lived it. for a VERY long time. i would constantly fight with my mom, horrible fights. on a regular basis she would threaten to kick me out and said she didin't want me. starting in middle school i befriended a new girl...and she made my life a living hell. people say that adolescent girls are terrible, well terrible doesn't even begin to describe what she put me through. she got practically every girl in our middle school to harrass me. no one would be friends with me. i received death threats a lot and had to move my locker b/c every time i opened it hateful notes were always in it telling me i was worthless and that nobody liked me, that i was less popular then the physically/mentally challenged people in our school. they told me that i should just kill myself b/c i was a total waste of everything and that if i didn't they would kill me. they said i was a dog and ugly and that no one would ever or could ever like me. this was the only time in my life that i failed a test. i went to the councelors and they told me to deal with it. i stoped going to lunch b/c i couldn't stand the feeling of having to eat at a table by myself and having everyone talk about me and stare at me and know it. i spent my lunch time in a bathroom stall crying until i had to go to my next class. i was so disgusted with myself and scared of going to school that i couldn't eat in the mornings before school and couldn't eat at night b/c i couldn't stand how disgusting of a person i was. b/c of that i became anorexic, i lost over 20 pounds. i started to get severe optical migraines and i continue to get them b/c deep down i'm absolutely terrified that no one really likes me and that i'll loose my friends b/c i'm not good enough. as for class, i would stay after school and beg my teachers to pick the groups we had to work with for class projects out of fear of being stuck with one of the many girls that was determined to destroy me. i was suicidal and severely depressed. i constantly thought through the different ways i would/could kill myself and actually tried a couple times, but my mom walked in and i didn't want to do it in front of her.

so today i'm upset and i don't know why...the only thing i can say is that even though i seem really strong and determined and don't care what other people think, i am SO self conscious that i still haven't been able to get over it.

10:08AM - i hate when you don't have reasons for things....

i feel terrible today and i don't know why. i can't stop crying and i don't know why. i suppose it's a mixture of many small things going on. or maybe i'm just due for a shitty day. this morning i came back from matt's and couldn't find any parking anywhere near my house, so i had to drive to work and park illegally, hopefully i don't get a ticket. then i hav to drive back and search for a parking space again. and there is room in my driveway, but the fucking whores that live downstairs in my house always let their boyfriends park in the driveway and they don't pull up all the way and then i have no where to park, even though i'm entitled to a parking space. so that's been pissing me off like a mother fucker for a few months now. also, i work nights this week and next and i have to work this weekend then i go on vacation for a week. so i won't really get to see matt for a long time and that really pisses me off. plus it's early on a friday and i'll probably have to work really late tonight and not get to see matt and just come home and go to sleep. and then i have to come in early at 7am tomorrow to work at the hospital again for like 10 hours to make up for my vacation time. so that sucks. and i guess i'm just stressed about medical school and all the application process and getting in, really want to get into wayne state so bad, god i hope i do.

i hope this only lasts a day....

7:31PM - another quiz

what's my sex appeal...




Tomboy


What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla




innocent kiss - you're cute and sweet and like it
that way


What Sign of Affection Are You?
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You're addicted to.....

Weed!
Yes weed! This is one of the more popular and easy
to get drugs out there now. Like LSD weed also
gives hallucinations but not neer as bad.
People on weed also get the MUNCHIES!


What are you addicted to? (pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla



You're Element is Fire. You have a strong,
independant, fiery personality and you
obviously don't let other's push you around.
You like being in charge and don't care what
other people think. In fact, you like to stand
out and be yourself. You're probably shy when
people first meet you but your a ball of energy
that could explode at any given moment. You
like to laugh and whether you admit it or not,
you like to fight. You're peronality that is
wild and untamable. You're beauty is physically
fit and a little sexy and you have a very
pretty face.


What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
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Mean lil fellow, arn't you?


What Monty Python Character are you?
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7:10PM - ooo a quiz!!!

here are the results from an online quiz i took:


INTELLECTUAL ONE. For you the beauty is not enough.
He/she must be smart and friendly. You are one
who think in facts. You take your feelings in
background everything is material. For you a
good partner is seen on the good results he/she
makes, his job etc. This shows you that she/he
is a respectable person who has god qualities,
and then you start to fall in love with
her/him. You dont like people that are lying or
playing. Your loved one will never cheat on you
because he/she respects you and you choose your
partner carefully.PLEASE VOTE, I want to know
what you think about my quiz, I worked hard on
it.
You can always message me or tell me how I can
improve that quiz. Ill sure write back.


~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
brought to you by Quizilla

11:11AM - oh man...

it's 11am and i'm at my first job of the day and i'm starting to realize how horrible this whole situation is. i got to work at 10. i will then leave this job and go to the next at 3. this will continue until 11pm. wherein i will go home, change, then go to matt's for the last hour or less of the game.

THIS SUCKS!!!!

well, seeing matt doesn't suck, but being stuck inside work for this long definetly does. don't get me wrong, i'm glad i have a computer with internet and a book and tv and stuff, but it's very difficult for me to be alone for such a long time like that. especially when it's night time at the hospital, b/c it's like a ghost town.

mary was very kind to come over and visit me last night, i appreciated it very much. we just kinda hung out and tried to figure out if josh combs had been elected to the waterford school board. we both hoped not b/c he's a giant a-hole. plus i think he's a crazy christian baptist nut-bar. and we don't want somebody like that making decisions for our children, do we?

this morning i got up relatively early and went to the gym. it was nice b/c not too many people were there and i could just kinda hang out and not have to wait for different machines. i want to go tanning but don't have enough time today, so i'm planning on going tomorrow in between jobs...lovely. i just want to say that i hate this new schedule arrangement and that jj is a fascist nazi for suggesting and pretty much forcing it on me. but enough about that...

so tonight's the final game, or at least i'm sure all piston fans hope it is. we are one away from the NBA championship. and as i'm sure everyone knows...no one has ever made a comeback (ie the lakers) so it'd be great if we could just win. plus it'd be nice to win here at home :)

i can't wait to see matt tonight, he's such a sweetie. he's gonna make me a copy of some south park and other shows on a disk so i can watch it while i'm bored at the hospital. and last night he signed online to talk to me for a long time so i wouldn't be bored. it makes me mad that i don't get to see him quite as much these next couple of weeks, but oh well, i guess c'est la vie...

well, i think that's all i got, cheers for now.

Current mood: anxious

8:10AM - ....

at work and bored...of course. just got in about an hour ago. but next week i'm starting the evening shift for a couple weeks, so i'll work from 3-11pm. which is nice b/c i get to sleep in, but i don't get done till 11pm. and that's poopy.

last night was awesome, i watched the pistons beat the lakers with my boy. and then had a good night's sleep. and i heard the best song this morning...that roses song by outkast, except it said, "i know you like to think your team don't stink, but lean a little bit closer see, lakers really smell like poo poo" and it's cool that we're finally getting some credit for being good. at first the commentators were like, "oh the lakers are playing bad" then they were like, "oh wow, actually the pistons are just really good". it'd be nice to see them win the next two here at home so they'd win at home and all that good stuff. but i guess i'd really like to see them win either way.

so today i have to work both jobs, therefore i'm gonna be at work until about 5. crappy, but oh well, i gotta earn money if i'm gonna pay for med school. besides that i'm gonna go to the gym and work out. i'm really starting to like it too. i know some of you out there want to start getting more in shape. and i know it's tough at first, but once you go a couple of times, it's not that bad. and besides, talking about it isn't going to do much, you gotta get yourself motivated and go kick some gym butt! especially now that when you're enrolled in classes you can use the ccrb for free. most gyms cost over $100/month. also, another good incentive is, if you get upset about stuff, instead of letting yourself get down however you do it, go to the gym and work it off. it's a very healthy way to get rid of stress and anger, plus you'll probably workout a little tougher then too. hey, if anyone wants to go with me, just let me know and i'll go as a gym buddy. besides that i've also been tanning a bit, just b/c i'm sick of my uber-white skin. i feel like i need a little bit of color for the summer, especially if i might be in a bathing suit. the contrast between my lite skin and dark bathing suit is shocking :-p

i've also got so much cleaning to do that i've been putting off for a long time...lazy me. i want to start organizing stuff i have at the apartment to take to my parents' place just so that when i move out it won't be too crazy. besides, the less stuff i have to move the better. plus i'm going home for father's day next friday (PEOPLE! dads are usually totally under-rated compared to moms, so do something special for your father, whatever it may be), so i can take a bunch of stuff home then. it's gonna be so weird next year, i'll know what it's like to be a roamer. thank goodness for my family, friends and boyfriend that are giving me a place to stay. otherwise i'd be like one of those bums on state street :-p

well i think that's enough for now at least...cheers!

Current mood: thankful